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Test Bank in Conjunction with Intimate Relationships,Miller,6e
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Lecture 6: Review Questios1. How does Miller defie oifi ct
BOOK (MILLER)
Interpersonal conflct = occurs whenever one person’s motlves, goals, bellefs, oplnlons, or behavlor lnterfere wlth,
or are lncompatlble wlth, those of another. Conflict ls born of dlsslmllarrlt , whlich mr be prsslng ln the form of moods, or
larstlng ln the form of belalefs rnd personrlalt . Defnltlon used thrt lnvolaves rictlve lnterferenice wlth rnother’s gorlas: Conflict
oicicurs when one’s wlshes or rictlons ricturlala obstruict or lmpede those of someone elase. If one or both of prrtners hrve to glve up
somethlng thrt the wrnt beicruse of the other’s lnfuenice, iconflict oicicurs. Anger rnd hostllalt rren’t neicessrr ; we mrke some
sricrlfices to ricicommodrte our prrtners generousla rnd hrpplla . And not rlala iconflicts rre overt; we rre sometlmes unrwrre of
dlffiiculatles we rre icruslng our prrtners. It’s enough thrt someone (un)knowlalngla prevents rnother from gettlngodolng ever thlng
heoshe wrnts.
LECTURE
Conflict = expressed strugglae between rt laerst 2 lnterdependent prrtles who pericelve lnicomprtlblae gorlas.
2. Des ribe aid explaii che diale t s chac ofei iderpii 1/3 of oifi cs ii a relatoiship.
When the devote themselaves to lntlmrte relartlonshlp, peoplae often experlenice opposlng motlvatlons (= dlalectlcs) thrt icrn
never be entlrela srtlsfed beicruse the icontrrdlict erich other. Conflict between prrtners ls lalkela to oicicur rs the strlve to fulaflala
opposlng motlves rt dlferent rrtes rnd dlferent tlmes. 4 dlrlaeictlics:
r. Contlnurla tenslon between personal autonomy and connection to others. On one hrnd, peoplae often wrnt to be
free to do whr the wrnt, so the vrlaue thelr lndependenice rnd rutonom . On the other hrnd, the rlaso seek
wrrm, iclaose iconneictlons to others thrt icrn mrke them dependent on prrtlicularr prrtners. Most peoplae wrnt
some of both lntlmric (belaonglng) rnd freedom (lndependenice) but embrriclng one of them icrn mern den lng
the other. So peoplae’s preferenices mr swlng brick rnd forth rs the icome to be more lnfueniced b whlichever
motlve hrs lartela been fulaflalaed. Mrlntrlnlng equllalbrlum between the 2 deslres ls trlick brlarniclng rict rnd we
icrn’t slmulatrneousla mrlntrln hlgh lndependenice from romrntlic prrtner rnd hlgh lnterdependenice, so
somethlng’s got to glve.
b. Tenslon between openness and closedness. Intlmric lnvolaves selaf-dlsiclaosure, rnd lntlmrte prrtners rre
expeicted to shrre thelr thoughts rnd feelalngs wlth one rnother. But peoplae rlaso lalke thelr prlvric , rnd there rre
some thlngs thrt prudent prrtners wrnt to keep to themselaves. On the one hrnd, there’s icrndor
(=openhrrtlgheld) rnd trrnsprrent ruthentliclt , rnd on the other hrnd, there’s dlsicretlon rnd restrrlnt.
ic. Frlictlon between stability and change. Peoplae wlth plaersrnt prrtnershlps wllala wrnt to mrlntrln rnd proteict
them, keeplng thlngs the wr the rre. But peoplae rlaso relalsh novelat rnd exicltement. Too muich strgnrnt
predlictrbllalt beicomes mundrne rnd monotonous. So peoplae rre rttrricted to both the frmllalrr rnd the new,
rnd oicicrslonrla lndeiclslon rnd iconflict mr oicicur.
d. Dlrlaeictlic tenslon between integration with and seperation from one’s soiclrla network. One’s motlve to str
lnvolaved wlth other peoplae ls sometlmes rt odds wlth the wlsh to devote oneselaf to romrntlic prrtnershlp.
Peoplae see laess of thelr frlends when the lnvest tlme rnd efort lnto romrntlic relartlonshlp, rnd fndlng
srtlsf lng rrtlo of tlme spent wlth rnd tlme rprrt from other peoplae icrn be dlffiiculat.
Alatogether, these 4 dlrlaeictlics (rutonom versus iconneictlon, openness versus iclaosedness, strbllalt versus ichrnge rnd lntegrrtlon
versus seprrrtlon) ricicounted for more thrn 1o3 of fghts rnd rrguments b mrrrled icouplaes. Whrt’s lmportrnt ls thrt these
tenslons t plicrlala icontlnue to some degree throughout entlre lalfe of relartlonshlp. Dllaemmrs posed b fuicturtlng, opposlng
motlves ln iclaose relartlonshlps never end. Sooner or larter, iconflict oicicurs.
3. Des ribe aid explaii che 6 oifi c iif ei es ideitfed by Miller.
Vrrlous lnfuenices icorrelarted wlth the rmount of iconflict we enicounter:
o Personality. Peoplae hlgh ln neurotliclsm rre lmpulaslve rnd lrrsiclblae (=opvlalegend), rnd the hrve more unhrpp
dlsrgreements thrn peoplae of laow neurotliclsm. Peoplae hlgh ln rgreerblaeness rre good nrtured, icooperrtlve, rnd
generrlala ers to get rlaong wlth, rnd the hrve fewer iconflicts; lf iconflict oicicurs, the rerict more iconstruictlvela
thrn peoplae of laow rgreerblaeness.
o Attachment style. Seicure peoplae enicounter laess iconflict rnd mrnrge lt better thrn lnseicure peoplae. Beicruse the
fret thrt thelr prrtners mr laerve them, peoplae who rre rnxlous rbout rbrndonment nervousla pericelve dlssenslon
rnd dlffiiculat where lt doesn’t exlst, rnd the respond wlth grerter hurt rnd dlstress thrn others. Mrrrled icouplae
icomprlsed of rnxlous wlfe rnd rvoldrnt husbrnd ls espeiclrlala “brrndbrrr”: Her exrggerrted ferrs ichrse hlm rwr ,
rnd hls wlthdrrwrla then further fuelas her worrles. Both members of suich icouplaes hrve elalvrted stress laevelas before
dlsicusslon of dlsrgreement even beglns.
o Stage of life. Young rdulat: more iconflict wlth prrents thrn ou used to. T plicrla for peoplae to develaop larstlng
romrnices rnd to begln professlonrla icrreers ln mld-20s, rnd these lalfe ichrnges rre routlnela rssoiclrted wlth
lnicrersed iconflict. Conflict wlth romrntlic prrtners lnicrerses sterdlla from larte teens to mld-20s (perk rt 24o45 err
olad), but thlngs settlae down somewhrt thererfter. Mrn ichrnges ricicomprn lng prssrge lnto rdulathood –
grrdurtlon from icolalaege, entr lnto new icrreers – rre rssoiclrted wlth lnicrersed iconflict ln romrntlic relartlonshlps.
Relartlonshlps get even more plaricld ln elader errs. Olader icouplaes hrve fewer dlsrgreements rbout ichlladren rnd
mone rnd other touich toplics thrn mlddlae-rged icouplaes do rnd the tend to sh rwr from trlaklng rbout the
thlngs the do dlsrgree rbout.
o Similarity. Conflict emerges from lnicomprtlbllalt , so lt’s not surprlslng thrt the laess slmllarr drtlng prrtners rre, the
more iconflict the experlenice. Thls prttern icontlnues lf peoplae mrrr ; spouses who shrre slmllarr trstes rnd
expeictrtlons enicounter laess iconflict rnd enjo hrppler mrrrlrges thrn do those who hrve laess lnicommon. Those
who rerlala belaleve thrt opposltes rttrrict rre lalkela to laerrn some hrrd laessons lf the strrt lalvlng wlth someone who
ls notrbla dlferent from them. Dlsslmllarrlt fuelas frlictlon, not smooth srllalng.
o Sleep. Prrtners tend to slaeep poorla rfter the qurrrela, rnd thrt laerves them grump rnd lrrltrblae the next dr . As r
resulat – rnd whenever elther of them hrs slaept poorla – romrntlic icouplaes enicounter more iconflict thrt dr .
Slaeepnessness breeds iconflict.
o Alcohol. Alaicohola doesn’t mrke peoplae more rgreerblae rnd icourteous; lnsterd, lntoxlicrtlon exricerbrtes iconflict.
Elther sober or lntoxlicrted men revlslted reicent romrntlic iconflict ln r stud . Drunkenness mrde the men more sour
rnd surla ; ln response to events of srme rverrge lntenslt , lntoxlicrted men were more hostllae rnd blarmlng thrn
, sober men. Addlng rlaicohola to frustrrtlng dlsrgreement ls r blt lalke rddlng fuela to r fre.
4. Why is ie rot iss aid ata hseic scyle relaced co che aso ic of oifi c ii a lose/iitsace relatoishipt
(see Miller aid le c re ioces)
BOOK
> Peoplae hlgh ln neurotliclsm rre lmpulaslve rnd lrrsiclblae (=opvlalegend), rnd the hrve more unhrpp dlsrgreements thrn peoplae
of laow neurotliclsm.
> Seicure peoplae enicounter laess iconflict rnd mrnrge lt better thrn lnseicure peoplae. Beicruse the fret thrt thelr prrtners mr
laerve them, peoplae who rre rnxlous rbout rbrndonment nervousla pericelve dlssenslon rnd dlffiiculat where lt doesn’t exlst, rnd
the respond wlth grerter hurt rnd dlstress thrn others. Mrrrled icouplae icomprlsed of rnxlous wlfe rnd rvoldrnt husbrnd ls
espeiclrlala “brrndbrrr”: Her exrggerrted ferrs ichrse hlm rwr , rnd hls wlthdrrwrla then further fuelas her worrles. Both members
of suich icouplaes hrve elaevrted stress laevelas before dlsicusslon of dlsrgreement even beglns.
LECTURE
Seicure: laess iconflict, laess thrertened, efeictlve problaem solavlng.
Hlgh rnxlet : rssume worst, obsesslve, thrertened b iconflict.
Hlgh rvoldrnice: negrtlve vlew of others, iconflict thrertens need for dlstrnice.
Relartlonshlp ls r d rd so two peoplae mr brlng opposlng rttrichment st laes to relartlonshlp.
Hlgh rvoldrnice mrtiched wlth hlgh rnxlet ls most toxlic icomblnrtlon beicruse one prrtner ls pushlng for lntlmric oiclaoseness rnd
the other ls pushlng rwr .
Hlgher neurotliclsm ls rssoiclrted wlth more iconflict.
- Rlgld icrltlicrla lnterpretrtlon of prrtner’s negrtlve behrvlor.
- Jerlaous rnd dependent.
- Impulaslve.
Neurotliclsm ls lnvolaved ln relartlonshlp srtlsfrictlon. Neurotlic: mood swlngs, lmpulaslve (rlaso lmpulaslve rbout rggresslonovlolaenice),
lnterpret rlawr s the negrtlve. Mlndrerdlng of neurotliclsts ls negrtlve; we know we’re not ver good mlndrerders.
5. Whac is seaic by che cers atrib toial oifi ct Whac is che role of a cor-observer bias aid self-serviig biases
ii ii oifi ct (see Miller, hapcer 11 aid hapcer 4; See also le c re 2 oi Miid Readiig)
LECTURE
Attrlbutlons icrn be selaeictlve rnd blrsed.
Aictlvrted b iconflict.
Attrlbutlonrla iconflict icrn rrlse durlng iconflict.
Metr-rttrlbutlons icrn rrlse
BOOK H11
Attrlbutlonal conflct = fghtlng over whose explanatlon ls rlght and whose account lf wrong. The rgree whrt one of
them dld, but dlsrgree rbout wh thrt person dld lt. Attrlbutlonrla rrguments hrrd to resolave beicruse when peoplae dlsrgree wlth
us, we tend to thlnk the ’re blrsed, rnd thrt’s exrsperrtlng. Moreover, there mr not be rn slnglae explarnrtlon for event thrt ls
objeictlvela rnd iconiclauslvela icorreict. Peoplae who mr hrve behrved selafshla wllala often hrve dlffiiculat rerlalzlng thrt the were
greed , rnd the ’lala tend to be blalnd to mrnner ln whlich thelr own selafshness mr elaliclt slmllarr thoughtlaessness ln return.
Interrictlons 2 prrtners shrre mr be rfeicted b so mrn subtlae lnfuenices thrt rersonrblae peoplae icrn, rnd often wllala, dlsrgree
rbout wh thlngs turn our the wr the do.
Dlferlng perspeictlves thrt rn two peoplae brlng to thelr lnterrictlon wllala be rnother sourice of dlsrgreement. Actor-observer
effects gurrrntee thrt prrtners wllala hrve slalghtla dlferent explarnrtlons for thelr rictlons thrn rn one elase does; the
ricknowlaedge externrla pressures when the explarln thelr own rictlons, but the mrke lnternrla rttrlbutlons when other peoplae
behrve exrictla the srme wr . Self-serving biases laerd them to judge thelr own rictlons more frvorrbla thrn others do; peoplae
lalke to feela responslblae for good thlngs thrt hrppen to them, but prefer externrla exicuses when thlngs go wrong. Alathough peoplae
rerdlla reicognlze selaf-servlng rttrlbutlons ln others’ judgments of events, the usurlala iconslder thelr own slmllarrla blrsed
periceptlons to be lmprrtlrla rnd frlr.
BOOK H4
Self-servlng blas = to take credlt for successes but avold blame for fallures.
Peoplae lalke to feela responslblae for good thlngs thrt hrppen to them, but the prefer externrla icues when thlngs go wrong. The
usurlala thlnk thrt the personrlala deserve muich of the icredlt when thelr relartlonshlps rre golng welala, but the ’re not muich to
blarme lf prrtnershlp ls dolng poorla . Qurlalt thrt mrkes thls phenomenon lnterestlng ls thrt peoplae expeict others to be selaf-
servlng, but the don’t feela thrt the rre themselaves. Most of us rerdlla reicognlze overrerichlng ownershlp of suicicess rnd flms
exicuses for frllaure when the icome from other peoplae, but we thlnk thrt our own slmllarr, selaf-servlng periceptlons rre senslblae
rnd ricicurrte. Thls oicicurs ln prrt beicruse we rre rwrre of – rnd glve ourselaves icredlt for – our own goods lntentlons even when
we frlla to folalaow through on them, but we judge other peoplae onla b whrt the do, not whrt the mr hrve lntended to do.
Provoicrtlve phenomenon. Your prrtner icrn onla judge ou b our rictlons; ls not prrt of whrt ou were thlnklng, so when our
lntentlons were good ou mlght feela good rbout ourselaf but our prrtner mlght be dlsrppolnted. Selaf-servlng explarnrtlons of
events rre routlne ln soiclrla lalfe. Lovlng prrtners laess selaf-servlng towrrd erich other thrn the rre wlth other peoplae but the exlst
even ln icontented relartlonshlps. Spouses belaleve thrt rrgumentofght ls mostla thelr prrtner’s frulat. Peoplae iconslder own rfrlrs
rs lnnoicuous drlalalrnices, but thelr spouse’s rfrlrs rs grlevous betrr rlas. Thus, prrtners’ ldlos nicrrtlic perspeictlves rlalaow them to
feela thrt the hrve better exicuses for thelr mlstrkes thrn thelr frlends rnd laovers do. The rlaso tend to belaleve thrt thelr prrtners
rre sourice of most dlsrgreements rnd iconflict. Most of us feela thrt we’re prett ers to lalve wlth, but thrt others rre hrrd to put
up wlth sometlmes.
LECTURE 2
Attrlbutlon proicesses:
› Aictoroobserver efeicts
Attrlbutlonrla iconflict
› Selaf-servlng blrs
› Moodoemotlon
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