This document includes information from the book, written by Stone et al. These are mainly examples. In-depth information is summarized in my summary about Hargie (44 pages) for this course. Good luck learning!
Introduction
A difficult conversation is anything you find it hard to talk about
Anytime we feel vulnerable or our self-esteem is implicated, when the issues at stake are
important and the outcome uncertain there is potential for us to experience the
conversation as difficult. We all have conversation that we dread and find unpleasant.
There is also stuff of everyday life that cause anxiety. These are interaction that we put off
when we can and stumble through when we must. Our fear of the consequences is what
make these situation hard to face.
The dilemma: avoid or confront, it seems there is no good path
We all face dilemma’s, it is difficult to decide because at some level we know the truth: If we
avoid the problem, we’ll feel taken advantage of, our feelings will fester, we’ll wonder why
we don’t stick up for ourselves and we’ll rob the other person of the opportunity to improve
things. But if we confront the problem, things might get worse.
To get out of a dilemma we wonder if it is possible to be so tactful (overwhelmingly
pleasant) that everything ends up fine. Tact is not the answer to difficult conversations.
Delivering a difficult message is like throwing a hand grenade, there is always damage.
This book can help
This book can found a way to make conversations less stressful and more productive. The
book will show how to turn the damaging battle of warring messages into the more
constructive approach, learning conversation. The things that make difficult conversations
difficult are the same. We all share the same fears and fall into the same few traps. The book
explains why it makes sense to shift from a message delivery stance to a learning stance.
Difficult conversation are a normal part of life
Difficult conversations will always challenge you. You can reduce fear and anxiety and learn
how to manage.
Chapter 1 – Sort out the three conversations
Decoding the structure of difficult conversations
All difficult conversations share a common structure. Understanding the structure is
essential to improving how you handle challenging conversations.
There’s more here than meets the ear
To make the structure of a difficult conversation visible, we need to understand what is said
and not said. So what people are thinking and feeling. The gap between what you’re really
thinking and what you’re saying is part of what makes a conversation difficult.
,Each difficult conversation is really three conversations
No matter what the subject or thoughts and feelings they all fall into the same three
categories or conversations:
- What happened? Conversation. Disagreement about what has happened or what
should happen.
- Feelings conversation. Ask and answers questions about feelings. These feelings are
not addressed directly in the conversation, but they leak in.
- Identity conversation. The conversation we have with ourselves about what this
situation means to us. Our answers to this problem determines in large part whether
we feel balanced during the conversation or if we feel off-center and anxious.
What we can’t change, and what we can
There are certain challenges in each of the three conversations that we can’t change. We still
run into situations where untangling what happened is more complicated than we initially
suspect. What we can change is the way we respond to these challenges. We can assume we
know all we need to understand and explain thinks, we try to hide feelings or let them loose.
By understanding these errors and the havoc they wreak, we can begin to craft better
approaches.
The what happened? Conversation: what’s the story here?
This conversation is where we spend much of our time in difficult conversations as we
struggle with our different stories about who’s right, who meant what, and who’s to blame.
We make a common but crippling assumption about truth, intentions and blame.
Straightening out each of these assumptions is essential to improving our ability to handle
difficult conversations well.
- The truth assumption. We often fail to question one crucial assumption upon which
our whole stance in the conversation is built: I am right, you’re wrong. This
assumption causes endless grief. Difficult conversations are not about getting the
facts right, they’re about conflicting perceptions, interpretation and values and what
is important.
o Intention invention (yours and mine). We assume we know the intentions of
other when we don’t, these assumptions are most of the time not accurate.
Leaping to unfounded assumptions can be a disaster.
o Blame. Difficult conversations focus significant attention on who’s to blame.
But talking about fault produces disagreement, denial and little learning.
Nobody wants to be blamed so our energy goes into defending ourselves.
Talking about blame distracts us from exploring why things went wrong and
how we might correct hem going forward.
The feelings conversation: What should we do with our emotions?
In the presence of strong feeling, many of us work hard to stay rational. Getting deep into
feelings is messy, clouds good judgement and in some context can seem just plain
, inappropriate. It can also be scary or uncomfortable and can make us feel vulnerable. But
difficult conversations do not just involve feelings, they are at their very core about feelings.
Feelings are an integral part of the conflict.
The identity conversation: What does this say about me?
The identity conversation offers us significant leverage in managing our anxiety and
improving our skills in the other two conversations. This conversation is all about who we
are and how we see ourselves. One you find footing in the identity conversation, you can
turn what is often a source of anxiety into a source of strength.
Moving toward a learning conversation
Our initial purpose for having a difficult conversation is often to prove a point, five a piece of
our mind or to achieve a goal. Once you understand the challenges inherent in the three
conversations you are likely to find that your purpose for having a conversation begins to
shift. You may find you no longer have a message to deliver but rather some information to
share and some questions to ask. Changing our stance means inviting the other person into
the conversation with us, to help us
figure things our. We need to have a
learning conversation.
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