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Never split the difference by Chris Voss - summary
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Summary of "Never split the difference; negotiating as if your life depended on it" by Chris Voss.
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OnderhandelenThe first step to achieve a mastery of daily negotiation is to get over your aversion to
negotiation don’t need to like it, you just need to understand that’s how the world works.
To successfully negotiate it is critical to prepare.
Be a mirror
Good negotiators, going in, know they have to be ready for possible surprises; great
negotiators aim to use their skills to reveal the surprises they are certain exist.
- Engage the process with a mindset of discovery
- Your goal is to extract as much information as possible
Great negotiators are able to question the assumptions that the rest of involved players
accent on faith or in arrogance, and thus, remain more emotionally open to all possibilities,
and more intellectually agile to a fluid situation.
We are easily distracted. We engage in selective listening, hearing only what we want to
hear, our minds acting on a cognitive bias for consistency rather than the truth.
We can process only about seven pieces of information in our conscious mind at any given
moment we are easily overwhelmed.
Going too fast is one of the mistakes all negotiators are prone to making. When you slow the
process down, you also calm it down.
- Late-night FM DJ voice: deep, soft, slow and reassuring
- Positive/playful voice: an easy going, good natured person
- Direct/assertive voice: Slapping yourself in the face while trying to make progress;
signaling dominance. Response is aggressive or passive-aggressively
The key is to relax and smile while you are talking, even while talking on the phone, has an
impact tonally that the other person will pick up on. When people are in a positive frame of
mind, they think more quickly, and are more likely to collaborate and problem-solve (instead
of fight and resist).
Mirroring, also called isopraxism, is essentially imitation. It’s another neurobehavior humans
(and other animals) display in which we copy each other to comfort each other. It can be
done with speech patterns, body language, vocabulary, tempo, and tone of voice. It’s
generally an unconscious behavior – we are rarely aware of it when it’s happening – but it’s
a sign that people ae bonding, in sync, and establishing the kind of rapport that leads to
trust. It’s a phenomenon (and now technique) that follows a very basic but profound
biological principle: We fear what’s different and are drawn to what’s similar.
While mirroring is most often associated with forms of nonverbal communication, especially
body language, as negotiators a “mirror” focuses on the words and nothing else. It’s almost
laughable simple: for the FBI, a “mirror” is when you repeat the last three words (or the
critical one to three words) of what someone has just said. By repeating what people say,
,you trigger this mirroring instinct and your counterpart will inevitably elaborate on what was
just said and sustain the process of connecting.
Being right isn’t the key to a successful negotiation – having the right mindset is
How to confront – and get your way – without confrontation
If you take a pit bull approach with another pit bull, you generally end up with a messy scene
and lots of bruised feelings and resentment. Luckily, there’s another way without all the
mess. It’s just four simple steps:
1. Use the late-night FM DJ voice
2. Start with “I’m sorry ….”
3. Mirror
4. Silence. At least four seconds, to let the mirror work its magic on your counterpart.
5. Repeat
Don’t feel their pain, label it
How can you separate people from the problem when their emotions are the problem?
Emotions are one of the main things that derail communication. Once people get upset at
one another, rational thinking goes out the window. That’s why, instead of denying or
ignoring emotions, good negotiators identify and influence them. It may sound touchy-feely,
but if you can perceive the emotions of others, you have a change to turn them to your
advantage. The more you know about someone, the more power you have.
Labeling
The first step to labeling is detecting the other person’s emotional state. The trick to spotting
feelings is to pay attention to changes people undergo when they respond to external
events. Most often, those events are your words. Labels almost always begin with roughly
the same words:
- It seems like…
- It sounds like…
- It looks like…
Notice we said “it sounds like…” and not “I’m hearing that…”. That’s because the word “I”
gets people’s guard up. When you say “I”, it says you’re more interested in yourself than the
other person, and it makes you take personal responsibility for the words that follow – and
the offense they might cause.
The last rule of labeling is silence. Once you’ve thrown out a label, be quiet and listen. We all
have the tendency to expand on what we’ve said, to finish, “it seems like you like the way
that shirt looks,” with a specific question like “where did you get it?”. But a label’s power is
that it invites the other person to reveal himself.
Neutralize the negative, reinforce the positive
Labeling is a tactic, not a strategy, in the same way a spoon is a great tool for stirring soup
but it’s not a recipe. How you use labeling will go a long way in determining your success.
First, let’s talk a little human psychology. In basic terms, people’s emotions have two levels:
the “presenting” behavior is the part above the surface you can see and hear; beneath, the
“underlying” feeling is what motivates the behavior. Labeling negatives diffuses them (or
, defuse them, in extreme cases); labeling positives reinforces them. Labeling is a helpful tactic
in de-escalating angry confrontations, because it makes the person acknowledge their
feelings rather than continuing to act out. The fastest and most efficient means of
establishing a quick working relationship is to acknowledge the negative and diffuse it (“look,
I’m an asshole).
Research shows that the best way to deal with negativity is to observe it, without reaction
and without judgement. Then consciously label each negative feeling and replace it with
positive, compassionate, and solution-based thoughts.
Clear the road before advertising the destination
Remember the amygdala, the part of the brain that generates fear in reaction to threats?
Well, the faster we can interrupt the amygdala’s reaction to real or imaginary threats, the
faster we can clear the road of obstacles, and the quicker we can generate feelings of safety,
wellbeing and trust. We do that by labeling the fears. These labels are so powerful because
they bathe the fears in sunlight, bleaching them of their power and showing our
counterparts that we understand.
Get a seat – and an upgrade – on a sold-out flight
Up to this point, we’ve been building each skill as if they were musical instruments: first, try
the saxophone mirror; now here’s the bass label; and finally, why don’t you blow a note on
the French horn of tactical silence. But in real negotiation the band all plays together. So
you’ve got to learn how to conduct.
Beware “yes” – Master “no”
For good negotiators, “no” is pure gold. That negative provides a great opportunity for you
and the other party to clarify what you really want by eliminating wat you don’t want. “No”
is a safe choice that maintains the status quo; it provides a temporary oasis of control.
At some point in their development, all negotiators have to come to grips with “No”. When
you come to realize the psychological dynamic behind it, you’ll love the word. It’s not just
that you lose your fear of it, but that you come to learn what is does for you and how you
can build deals out of it. “Yes” and “Maybe” are often worthless. But “No” always alters the
conversation.
“No” starts the negotiation
“No” is the start of the negotiation, not the end of it. We’ve been conditioned to fear the
word “No”. But it is a statement of perception far more often than of fact. It seldom means,
“I have considered all the facts and made a rational choice”. Instead, “No” is often a
decision, frequently temporary, to maintain the status quo. Change is scary, and “No”
provides a little protection from that scariness.
When you preserve a person’s autonomy by clearly giving them permission to say “No” to
your ideas, the emotion calms, the effectiveness of the decision go up, and the other party
can really look at your proposal. They’re allowed to hold it in their hands, to turn it around.
And it gives you time to elaborate or pivot in order to convince your counterpart that the
change you’re proposing is more advantageous than the status quo. Great negotiators seek
“No” because they know that’s often when the real negotiation begins.
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