This 32 pages summaries the book Intimate Relationships of Rowland S. Miller (8th edition). It is completely written in English. The summary is devided into chapters. All the chapters of the book are discussed except for chapter 2 since this looks into the basics of research methods and statistics ...
College notes/summary Interpersonal Relationships (PSB3BE30E) Intimate Relationships, ISBN: 9781260084283
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Universiteit Utrecht (UU)
Psychologie
Interpersoonlijke Processen (200401045)
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Chapter 1 The building blocks of Relationships
Intimate relationships differ from casual associations in: knowledge, interdependency, caring, trust,
responsiveness (partner recognizes, understand and support your needs), mutuality (“us” instead of
“me and them” and commitment.
People generally have the need to belong : when closely connected to others we live happier, healthier
and longer.
-Evolutionary explanation: together you are stronger and you can protect eachother from saber-toothed
tigers.
--> differences between techniques to get a relationship can be explained (evolutionary) by differing
parental investment (men basicly have to ejaculate once and women have the carry a child for 9
months) and paternity uncertainty (men are not 100% the child is his but women are, which makes men
more occupied with worries).
Singleism= prejudices and discrimination against those who choose to be single (eg. It's harder to get
insurrence, social security benefits and spots in restaurants).
Influence of culture:
Todays culture concerning intimate relationships differs in a lot of aspects from for instance in 1965.
Partners tend to: - cohabit without marrying
- never marry at all
- get kids much later in life
- divorce more
Cohabiting without being married is correlated with higher break up rates, because: partners who wait
to live together after marrige are older and (probably) wiser, partners who are not marrying yet are
presumably “keeping their options open” which makes that they experience more conflict.
Sources of change:
Change in socioeconomics (women study and work way more than before)
Rise of individualism (people value personal growth more these days)
People are more materialistic, less trusting and less concerning with others than our
grandparents were.
Anticonception and technologies like ivf are now possible
Technology (eg smartphones and social media)
Technoference: frequent interruption of the interraction between partners by technology
devices.
Phubbing: one partner ignoring or neglecting the other partner by focussing on their phone.
, Sex ratio (a count of the number of men for every 100 women. High sex ratio regions are often
sexually conservative and low sex ratio regions are often more permitting and less conservative
roles are present).
The influence of experience:
Attachment styles in children(are created by which kind of relationship the child had with their
caregivers):
- secure attachment style= caregiver was warm and loving and reliable and responsive to the childs
needs.
- anxious/ambivalent attachment style= caregiver was warm and loving on some occasions but rejecting,
anxious or unavailable on other. Children develop mixed feelings toward attachment.
- avoidant attachment style= caregiver is unavailably, cold and hostile. Children learn not to rely on
others.
Attachment styles are also prevalent in adults. Bartholomew proposed the following styles:
Secure (same as in children)
Preoccupied (new name for anxious/ambivalent style, these people worry about and are
preoccupied with their relationship status)
Fearful (avoid intimacy because of their fear of rejection)
Dismissing (avoid intimacy because they feel like they don’t need it)
The influence of individual differences:
Sex differences are (contrary to many believe) often really small.
The difference between sex and gender differences: sex differences = biological distinctions between
men and women.
Gender differences = non biological differences between men and women (eg. Women are more caring,
loving and warm than men). Being caring is not biological but learned. Women are being (almost) forced
to be caring and loving and warmer than men. Because gender roles tell us this is always the case.
When you don’t fit a gender role or you are both “masculine” and “feminine” it’s called androgynous.
,Because masculine and feminine sounds opposite, researchers use instrumental for “masculine” traits
and expressive for social/ emotional traits.
Androgynous people are more likely to like eachother (because they have more in common).
Differences in personality are:
Agreeableness: friendly
Extraverted: outgoing, they meet more people
Conscientious: follow rules and are dependable and trutworthy
Neuroticism: anxious, easy to make angry and pessimistic.
People high on self esteem are generally happier and more succesful. They tend to more easily make
relationships than people low on self esteem.
The other way around, people generally become low in self esteem if they don’t have good
relationships.
The only differences between people with another sexual orientation is due to a difference in sexes of
people involved.
For example gay men have more sex than straight men or lesbians. This is not because of their sexual
orientation but because there is a difference in libido between men and women. The more men in a
relationship the more sex (on average).
Chapter 3 Attraction
The fundamental basis of attraction:
People are attracted to others who reward them, direct or indirect.
For example, direct rewards are people who give us love and attention, are goodlooking or people who
literally give us money or a compliment.
Indirect rewards are for example people who have a similar name or job. Recognizing a part of yourself
in someone is unconsciously rewarding.
Instrumentality= the extent to which someone helps us achieve our present goals.
Proximity --> we tend to like someone who is physically as well as psychologically close to us, rather than
for instance people online.
Familiarity: One explanation is that the possibility that you cross paths with someone is increased if you
are near someone. If you see someone often, they become familiar to you and you tend to like
them (mere exposure effect).
Another explanation is that long distance relationships cost more. It costs money and effort to reunite.
! proximity is also correlated with disliking someone sooner. Thus the closer someone is the greater the
possibility is you’ll like or dislike that person. The closer someone is the greater the possibility you’ll
have some relation to that person (may it be good or bad).
, Physical attractiveness:
When someone is physically attractive, we tend to evaluate them more positive. This is true all over the
world. On average we rate beautiful people as successful, kind, smart, loving, good at their job etc.
Who are attractive? Most people have the same taste. Women are attractive with “baby-face features”,
so that they appear feminine and youthful. Men are attractive when they appear strong and dominant,
but also when they appear feminine.
Over all, faces are attractive when they are average and symmetrical.
Female bodies are most attractive with a “hourglass” shape. Which means they have a waist- to- hip
ratio(WHR) 0.7 (waist is 30% thinner than hip). Breast size however is less important.
Male bodies are most attractive with a small WHR ratio of 0.90. However, they are more attractive when
they have a high shoulder to hip ratio and a lot of muscles.
Furthermore people like the smell of attracted people more.
Also women think its attractive if men are smart.
Last but not least people are more attractive when they wear red.
Think about the evolutionary aspects of all points discussed above…
Unfortunately, gorgeous people are lied to more often by others.
Matching= partners tend to have the same level of attractiveness (people don’t begin a serious
relationship with someone less attractive).
Reciprocity, liking those who like us:
A potential partners desirability= their physical attractiveness x their probability of accepting you.
Mate value= overall attractiveness as a reproductive partner. If the mate value is high you seek someone
with a high mate value too.
Similarity, liking those who are like us:
1. Demographic similarities: age, race, living area etc.
2. Similarities in attitudes and values: eg. opinion on topics
3. Perceived similarity: it is more important that we think we have a lot in common than we
actually do have in common. For instance your partner and you feel like you have a lot in
common (that’s one of the reasons you’re still together), but others can see that you are
actually two complete different people. They will think that opposites attract, when actually the
perceived similarities attract.
4. Similar to our ideal self (but not too good because we can feel like fools if our partner is way
better than us at things).
Dissimilarities can matter less when partners don’t value those topics a lot (eg religion is often of great
importance but favorite color doesn’t matter).
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