THE GENTLE ART OF VERBAL SELF-DEFENSE AT WORK – SUZETTE HADEN ELGIN
CONTENTS
CHAPTER 1. INTRODUCTION: LANGUAGE – THE POWER SOURCE THAT NEVER FAILS YOU __________________________________3
PHONY POWER AND REAL POWER __________________________________________________________________________________3
POWER: WHERE DOES IT COME FROM? ______________________________________________________________________________3
CHAPTER 2. LEARNING THE TERRITORY ___________________________________________________________________________3
INTRODUCTION: METAPHORS FOR LANGUAGE __________________________________________________________________________3
LANGUAGE AS SYSTEM __________________________________________________________________________________________3
LANGUAGE AS TOXIC WASTE ______________________________________________________________________________________3
LANGUAGE OF FEEDBACK LOOP ____________________________________________________________________________________4
LANGUAGE AS TRAFFIC __________________________________________________________________________________________4
CHAPTER 3. IT’S ONLY SEMANTICS _______________________________________________________________________________5
INTRODUCING THE SEMANTIC FEATURE _______________________________________________________________________________5
GETTING SEMANTIC INFORMATION __________________________________________________________________________________5
STALKING THE SEMANTIC FEATURE __________________________________________________________________________________5
SEMANTICS AND BODY LANGUAGE __________________________________________________________________________________6
CHAPTER 4. LANGUAGE AND THE GAME DOMAIN __________________________________________________________________6
INTRODUCTION: DIVIDING UP THE WORLD ____________________________________________________________________________6
THE GAME DOMAIN____________________________________________________________________________________________6
Game Versus Non-Game ___________________________________________________________________________________6
TECHNIQUE: USING THE SATIR MODES _______________________________________________________________________________7
Recognizing the Satir Modes ________________________________________________________________________________7
The Satir Mode Loops ______________________________________________________________________________________7
Responding to the Satir Modes ______________________________________________________________________________7
Back to the Game _________________________________________________________________________________________8
TECHNIQUE: USING MILLER’S LAW TO IDENTIFY PERCEPTUAL FILTERS __________________________________________________________8
THE MAN/WOMAN PROBLEM_____________________________________________________________________________________8
CHAPTER 5. LANGUAGE AND THE BUSINESS/ PROFESSIONAL DOMAIN _________________________________________________9
TECHNIQUE: RECOGNIZING AND RESPONDING THE SENSORY MODES ___________________________________________________________9
THE TOUCH DOMINANCE ________________________________________________________________________________________9
ABOUT LISTENING ____________________________________________________________________________________________10
CHAPTER 6. MALPRACTICE OF THE MOUTH _______________________________________________________________________10
INTRODUCTION ______________________________________________________________________________________________10
TECHNIQUE: MANAGING THE VERBAL ATTACK PATTERNS (VAP)- RECOGNITION AND RESPONSE _______________________________________10
PROBLEMS WITH THE TECHNIQUE __________________________________________________________________________________13
THE VERBAL VIOLENCE TWO-STEP _________________________________________________________________________________14
CHAPTER 7. LANGUAGE AND THE TIME DOMAIN __________________________________________________________________14
TECHNIQUE: USING THE THREE-PART MESSAGE ________________________________________________________________________14
THE THREE-PART MESSAGE IN A NEGOTIATION ________________________________________________________________________15
PERCEPTIONS OF TIME (AND OF SPACETIME) __________________________________________________________________________15
USING LANGUAGE TO CONTROL TIME _______________________________________________________________________________15
USING PERSONAL SPACE TO CONTROL TIME___________________________________________________________________________16
TAKING TIME AND WRITING TIME DOWN ____________________________________________________________________________16
Prepositions ____________________________________________________________________________________________16
Using Tie Words and Phrases to Avoid Direct Commands ________________________________________________________16
“I DON’T HAVE ENOUGH TIME”: THE TIME MONSTER MYTH _______________________________________________________________16
,CHAPTER 8. LANGUAGE AND THE PUBLIC RELATIONS DOMAIN_______________________________________________________17
INTRODUCTION ______________________________________________________________________________________________17
TECHNIQUE: SIMULTANEOUS MODELING-PERFECTING THE AMERICAN VOICE ____________________________________________________17
NONVERBAL COMMUNICATION AND WRITTEN LANGUAGE _________________________________________________________________17
CHOOSING AND ARRANGING YOU WORDS FOR PUBLIC LANGUAGE ___________________________________________________________18
FILLING THE FIVE CELEBRITY ROLES. ________________________________________________________________________________19
You as a Prominent Local Citizen ____________________________________________________________________________19
You as Available Expert on Subject X _________________________________________________________________________19
You as Representative of Your Firm Group ____________________________________________________________________19
You as Media Focus ______________________________________________________________________________________19
You as Dragon slayer _____________________________________________________________________________________19
CHAPTER 9. SEMANTIC MODULATION ___________________________________________________________________________19
METAPHORS-A BRIEF REVIEW ____________________________________________________________________________________19
CHANGING THE METAPHOR: A CASE STUDY ___________________________________________________________________________20
HOW TO FIND A METAPHOR _____________________________________________________________________________________20
CHAPTER 10. LANGUAGE AND THE PERSONAL DOMAIN ____________________________________________________________20
THE TANGLED LOOP ___________________________________________________________________________________________20
WHAT’S IN IT FOR YOU _________________________________________________________________________________________21
THE PERFECT CONVERSATION ____________________________________________________________________________________21
Topics _________________________________________________________________________________________________21
Turns __________________________________________________________________________________________________22
MORE ABOUT LISTENING _______________________________________________________________________________________22
TAKING OUT THE THRASH _______________________________________________________________________________________22
THE MAN/WOMAN PROBLEM____________________________________________________________________________________23
CHAPTER 11. LYING __________________________________________________________________________________________23
INTRODUCTION ______________________________________________________________________________________________23
THE BRAIN AS MISMATCH DETECTOR _______________________________________________________________________________24
HOW TO BE PERCEIVED AS TRUTHFUL _______________________________________________________________________________24
LYING AND LISTENING __________________________________________________________________________________________25
TECHNIQUE: THE STRATEGIC USE OF TWIRKS __________________________________________________________________________25
CHAPTER 12. STAYING OUT OF COURT AND OUT OF TROUBLE _______________________________________________________25
INTRODUCTION ______________________________________________________________________________________________25
WHAT IS SEXUAL HARASSMENT? __________________________________________________________________________________25
WHY ARE PEOPLE DISTRESSED AND/OR OFFENDED? _____________________________________________________________________26
TERRIFIED NEW WORLD ________________________________________________________________________________________26
CHAPTER 13. CONLUSION _____________________________________________________________________________________26
WHAT’S REALITY? ____________________________________________________________________________________________26
MY REALITY OR YOURS? ________________________________________________________________________________________27
BUILDING BRIDGES ACROSS REALITY GAPS ____________________________________________________________________________27
, CHAPTER 1. INTRODUCTION: LANGUAGE – THE POWER SOURCE THAT
NEVER FAILS YOU
Phony Power and Real Power
Phony power is always temporary and it always brings with only temporary success. It is tied to something else
you have: a weapon, a title or the protective influence of some other person. Phony power can be taken away
from you any time somebody arrives with a bigger weapon, more important title, or a mentor with more clout
than yours. When phony power is all you have to rely on, you never know how long your turn at the top is going
to be.
Real power is very different. It applies in all situations. It can’t be taken away from you. Real power is the ability
to get people do to what you want because they prefer to do what you want.
Power: Where Does it Come From?
Power does not come from out of nowhere, it has to have a source. All phony varieties of power depend on
external sources at the mercy of unpredictable circumstances. You have already that kind of power source, you
may not aware of it, but it is there. You need to develop it.
Language is the only source of real power. But normally, people not use the language with the kind of expert
skill that they’re fully capable of. You’ve been taught that people who use language with great skill, are either
born with it or have acquired their skill over the course of many years of intensive training with “experts”. This is
false.
CHAPTER 2. LEARNING THE TERRITORY
Introduction: Metaphors for Language
The knowledge of you language is a special kind of knowledge, called internalized knowledge. You know it so
well that you have it on automatic. You not only were not taught to respect you internal grammar, but you
probably were never told that you had one, and you learned a distorted respect for language skills. As a result,
you have no convenient way to gain access to the database that your internal grammar could provide to you.
This situation can be easily changed,
The Gentle Art system will enable you to accomplish three tasks that are crucial:
1. Put you in touch with your internalized store of knowledge about your language.
2. It will let you build an index for that knowledge.
3. It will enable to add new information.
It’s important to look at language from four different points of view: as system; as toxic waste: as feedback loop
and as traffic. Each of these ways of examining language provides us with a different organizing framework, a
different metaphor. The more metaphors you have for something, the more indexes it will have in your memory.
Language as System
We take course after course, on the pieces of our language, but we never learn about the system into which the
pieces fit. It happens that we know that system, it’s part of our internalized knowledge. But we don’t know that
we know it. Your internal grammar is a system that specifies that sounds are English, what parts of English can
be combined with what other parts, and the order in which they have to be assembled. It contains all the rules
of English, including the metarules, the rules that provide you with the necessary information about the other
rules. You can trust that system to carry you through any language interaction, whether it is one that you have
specifically been taught to deal with or not.
Language as Toxic Waste
People rarely suffer serious injury as a result of contact with one word, or one sentence. But long-tern contact
with verbal toxins can destroy both your physical and your emotional health. When the thought of going to some
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