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Lecture 7 Review Questions with Answers
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- Rijksuniversiteit Groningen (RuG)
Lecture 7 Review Questions with Answers
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Lecture 7 : Review Questions1. Describe and explain the cognitive and behavioural maintenance mechanisms that arise as a
consequences of being committed to a relationship (Miller).
Cognitive maintenance mechanisms
People’s perspectives change in several important ways when they are committed to their relationships.
1. Committed partners think of themselves not as separate individuals but as part of greater whole that includes them and their
partners. They perceive greater overlap between their partners’ lives and their own, and they use more plural pronouns (we, us,
ours replacing I, me, mine). Cognitive interdependence = change in self-defnition in which people think of themselves
as part of greater whole that includes them and their partners. Cognitive interdepende probably makes some of the other
maintenance mechanisms more likely to occur. I may be even more motivated to take care of us than I would be to take care of
just you.
2. Committed partners think of each other with positive illusions, idealizing each other and perceiving their relationship in the
best possible lights. A partner’s faults are judged to be relatively trivial, the relationship’s defciencies are considered to be
relatively unimportant, and a partner’s misbehavior is dismissed as unintentional or temporary abberation. Characteristic that
makes these positive illusions interesting is that people are often well aware of the specifc obnoxious and thoughtless things
their partners sometimes do, but by misremembering them and explaining them away, they are able to maintain gobal
evaluations of their partners that are more positive than the sum of their parts. As long as they’re not too unrealistic, these rose-
colored perceptions help protect people’s happiness by taking the sting out of partner’s occasional missteps.
3. Perceived superiority = committed partners tend to think that their relationships are better than most, and the
happier they are, the more exceptional they consider their relationships to be. This is a specifc type of positive illusion
that makes one’s partnership seem even more special and really does make a relatonship more likely to last.
4. Satisfed partners are less likely to be on the prowl, looking for other lovers. Attractive rivals can distract our partners and lure
them away from us only when our partners know they exist, but contented lovers display an inattention to alternatives that
leaves them relatively uninterested and unware of how well they could be doing in alternative relationships. People who aren’t
very committed to their current partnerships monitor their other options with more inquisitiveness and eagerness than those who
are more content with what they’ve already got; given the chance in a lab procedure, they linger longer and more carefully
inspect photos of attractive members of the other sex. Uncommitted lovers continue to shop around for better partners, and that
puts their current relationships at risk: Young adults who are alert to their other options at beginning of college semester are less
likely to still be with same romantic partner when semester is done. In contrast, committed partners are relatively heedless of
how well they could be doing in other relationships – they’re not paying much attention to such possibilities – and that helps to
protect and maintain their current partnerships.
5. When committed partners do notice attractive rivals to their relationships, they judge them to be less desirable than others
think them to be. Commitment leads people to disparage those who could lure them away from their existing relationships, and
this derogation of tempting alternatives allows people to feel that other potential partners are less attractive than the ones
they already have. One of things that makes this perceptual bias interesting is that it is strongest when the alternatives are most
tempting and thereby pose the greatest threat to one’s relationship. Committed partners don’t derogate images of attractive
members of other sex when they are said to be professional models in another city far away, but they do fnd them less attractive
when they are said to be fellow students on one’s own campus. And, whereas single men fnd women who aren’t on birth control
pills to be more attractive when the women are fertile than when they are not each month, committed men judge potential
alternative to be less attractive when she is fertile than when she is not. To protect their relationships, happy lovers tend to
underestimate the desirability of other potential partners.
Behavioral maintenance mechanisms
The cognitive things people do to maintain their relationships generally involve subtle changes in perception or judgment of
others, their relationships, and themselves. Other maintenance mechanisms involve changes in the things people do.
1. Willingness to sacrifce = committed people are often willing to make various personal sacrifces, such as doing
things they would prefer not to do, or not doing things that they would like to do, in order to promote the well-
being of their partners or their relationships. This often involves trivial costs (seeing movie that doesn’t interest you) and
contented partners frequently make such small sacrifces. But sacrifce can also involve substantial costs in which people endure
rather long periods of deprivation in order to preserve or enrich their partnerships. If you’re already married, your spouse may be
having to go to a lot of trouble to help you to go school; but, if he/she is committed to your future together, that’s a price that
your spouse may be willing to pay.
2. Prayer is helpful in this regard. Studies found that those who begin praying for success and well-being of their partners
become more satisfed with the sacrifces they make, and more forgiving, too. In general, those who pray for their partners tend
to be more satisfed with, and more committed to, their relationships. But, prayer that is focused on one’s own needs and desires
doesn’t have such efects.
3. Relationships are likely to prosper when our partners behave toward us in ways that encourage us to gradually become the
people we want to be. Michelangelo phenomenon = when our partners encourage us to be all that we can be –
supporting the development of skills we want to learn, endorsing our acceptance of promising new roles and
responsibilities, and promoting self-growth we seek – both our relationships and our personal well-being are
enhanced. People have rarely fnished growing and changing when their partnerships begin, and committed partners help each
other become who they wish to be when those desires enhance the health of their relationship.
4. Accommodation = willingness to control the impulse to respond in kind to a partner’s provocation and to instead
respond constructively. Committed lovers tend to swallow minor mistreatment from their partners without biting back.
Accommodation occurs when people tolerate a partner’s bad mood, pointless criticism, thoughtlessness, and other nuisances
with placidity and poise. It doesn’t involve martyrdom (=marteling); to the contrary, as long as a partner’s ofenses are only
occasional or temporary, accommodation provides an efective means of avoiding useless confict that might merely perpetuate
an aversive interaction. And when both partners are inclined to stay cool instead of fghting fre with fre, they tend to have happy
relationship.
5. Accomodation takes work. Requires us to bite our tongues and hold our tempers, so it involves active self-restraint. Self-
control = the ability to manage one’s impulses, control one’s thoughts, persevere in pursuit of desired goals, and
curb unwanted behavior. Self-control is generally good for our relationships. It helps us to do the right things and not to do the
wrong things. In enables us to refrain from lashing out in response to provocation, so people high in self-control rarely, if ever,
engage in intimate partner violence. To the contrary, people who are high in self-control make more sacrifces that beneft their
partners. And forgiveness requires us to stop nursing a grugde, so self-control makes forgiveness more likely. We use self-control
to withstand temptation, so it aids our eforts to resist the lure of attractive alternatives; when they’re already in relationships,
people say it’s easier for them to remain faithful – and they actually are less firtatious toward new acquaintances – the more self-
control they have. People difer in their dispositional levels of self-control (their usual abilities to regulate their impulses). If you
,have any sense, you’ll seek a partner with ample ability to persevere and refrain, as needed. That’s because the more self-
control 2 partners possess – that is, the greater the sum of their combined abilities to make good decisions and to do the right
thing – the smoother and more satisfying their relationship will routinely be. No matter who we are, though, self-control is
reduced when we are stressed, distracted, or fatigued, so people are less accommodating, less forgiving, and more tempted by
alternatives when they are temporarily spent. We tend to be at our worst when we are tired and taxed. It’s good news that
feeling connected to family and friends bolsters self-control; acceptance by a loving partner enhances our abilities to behave in
ways that protect our relationships. He’re another beneft of self-control in close relationships: It shows that we care. We rarely
improve relationships by trying to change our partners – that just annoys them – but our eforts do pay of when we try to change
ourselves. Our partners are typically pleased when they realize that we are striving to behave better e.g. trying to communicate
more clearly and to manage confict more reasonably, and they’re more satisfed when we successfully exert some self-control.
Think of benefts to be gained when both partners do this.
6. Play: Couples are usually content when they fnd ways to engage in novel, challenging, exciting, and pleasant activities
together. In short, those who play together tend to stay together. In studies, couples have been tied together on one side at the
wrists and ankles and invited to crawl through obstacle course while pushing a foam cylinder with their heads. Prizes could be
won if they completed course quickly enough, so task was exciting, goofy fun. Compared to couples who engaged in a more
mundane activity, those that played like this felt that their relationships were of higher quality when the day was done. And out in
the real world, spouses who get up and go out to hike, bike, dance, or to attend concerts, lectures and shows feel that their
marriages are of higher quality than those who just stay home and watch television. Finding time to play in inventive and creative
ways in benefcial in close relationships. Approach by Coulter and Malouf: Collaborate with your partner in creating a list of
engaging and interesting things to do together. Then develop defnite plans to do them, making time each week for one of the
items on your list. Specifcs of the sort of activities you choose are up to you, but try to pursue entertainments that are novel,
exciting, playful and passionate. Go somewhere you’ve never been. Be adventurous. Meet your partner at a bar and pretend that
you’ve just met. Take turns massaging each other without having sex. Coulter and Malouf found that intentionally spending 90
minutes doing something fun and exciting each week left couples happier and more satisfed with their relationship months later.
7. Those who are committed to a partnership are more likely to ofer forgiveness after a partner’s betrayal. Forgiveness
quickens the healing of both the relationship and the partner who was wronged – it’s less stressful to forgive intimate partner
than to nurse a grudge – so forgiveness promotes good health in both relationships and in those who give it.
2. Explain the difference between the Michelangelo phenomenon and the Pygmalion
phenomenon (see lecture 7 notes).
Michelangelo phenomenon assumes that people build on values, norms of partners. In successful relationships, the partner helps
to support the other partner towards the ideal self. This occurs in stages. Stage 1 is partner-perceptual afrmation. E.g. I want to
be adventurous, I want to go to new places. Then, stage 2 is partner behavioral afrmation. Let’s go hiking if you’re adventurous.
You do something about it. In stage 3, the target moves toward the ideal self. Then we feel more satisfed, more self-supported.
What is essential to partner perceptual afrmationo How do we make right perception about what partners want to doo
Communication, self-disclosure, don’t assume but ask, because you might make the wrong assumption. Self-disclosure isn’t just
communication, but also that you do something about it. It isn’t just thinking about it (although sometimes it can make us feel a
bit better) but responding to it, do something about it. Pygmalion phenomenon is the opposite of michelangelo phenomenon.
Trying to mold partner into something they want, instead of something the partner wants. It’s a characteristic of dissatisfying
relationships. It can apply to romantic relationships, but also familial relationships, almost all relationships. Sometimes pygmalion
in familian relationships might not be that negative.
3. What is the difference between perspective taking and perspective getting? Which is more
likely to lead to more accurate “mind reading”.
, Implications: How to be a better mind reader
Perspective takingo
> Lack of experience
> Ego-centric
Perspective getting is better (Eyal, Stefel, & Epley, 2018): “Accurately understanding the mind of another requires
getting perspective, not taking perspective”
Dyadic Intervention:
> Transparent culture
How do we avoid making wrong attributionso It’s not perspective taking but perspective getting that helps to not make wrong
attributions. What that means is: ASK. Clarify. Get things clearly. When people took perspective (got in shoes of other person),
they still made a lot of errors. They felt closer and more similar but still made a lot of errors because of biases and egocentrism.
So, take at home message is ask and get – not take - perspective from that person. Dyadic intervention: transparent culture
we got to be clear in communication; make people feel safe to talk about issues.
4. How may self-control help in the development of a good/harmonious relationship? (see
lecture7 and lecture 2 notes/readings; Miller)
LECTURE 2
Self-Regulation Capacity = ability to override predominant response tendencies resulting in the inhibition of undesirable
behaviors to support the pursuit of long-term goals (Metcalfe & Mischel, 1999)
> Increase selfawareness (3rd person perspective/public self)
Benefts (Rawn & Vohs 2006:
• Correlated with accommodation
• Minimize self-serving bias
• Suppress attraction to alternative partners
LECTURE 7
Another aspect of that is self-regulation. Refers to bringing the self into line with a preferred state on a regular basis. Self-
regulation is about goal setting. Set a goal and take actions to get closer to that goal. When people use self-regulation, they can
stay focused on happy aspects of relationship. How does this understandig of self-regulation explain self-esteemo We took
perspective of self-esteem as being purely interpersonal based. Self-esteem seen as refection about how we think other people
value us. Out self-esteem falls if we don’t think other people value us. Online gauge that measures our acceptance by others. If
we feel accepted, self-esteem is high. If we feel we’re really accepted by others when in case we’re not, we’re narcissistic. Their
sociometer is miscalibrated. See self-esteem as a self-regulated system. When self-esteem falls we want to do something about
it. We engage in behaviors to become more accepted. When self-esteem falls this can lead to negative feelings like guilt. Guilt
pushes you to apologize. Self-regulation, goal-striving is benefcial for relationships.
Self-regulation or self-control is like a muscle. This view has become critized in last few years, but it still has some support. In
context of romantic relationship, I am not being tempted away from my partner, I am listening to my partner. How do we
enhance self-control in relationshipso Useful technique is when you engage in confict (intense communication) trying to adopt a
third person perspective/public self.
BOOK Chapter 14
Accomodation takes work. Requires us to bite our tongues and hold our tempers, so it involves active self-restraint. Self-control
= the ability to manage one’s impulses, control one’s thoughts, persevere in pursuit of desired goals, and curb
unwanted behavior. Self-control is generally good for our relationships. It helps us to do the right things and not to do the
wrong things. In enables us to refrain from lashing out in response to provocation, so people high in self-control rarely, if ever,
engage in intimate partner violence. To the contrary, people who are high in self-control make more sacrifces that beneft their
partners. And forgiveness requires us to stop nursing a grugde, so self-control makes forgiveness more likely. We use self-control
to withstand temptation, so it aids our eforts to resist the lure of attractive alternatives; when they’re already in relationships,
people say it’s easier for them to remain faithful – and they actually are less firtatious toward new acquaintances – the more self-
control they have. People difer in their dispositional levels of self-control (their usual abilities to regulate their impulses). If you
have any sense, you’ll seek a partner with ample ability to persevere and refrain, as needed. That’s because the more self-
control 2 partners possess – that is, the greater the sum of their combined abilities to make good decisions and to do the right
thing – the smoother and more satisfying their relationship will routinely be. No matter who we are, though, self-control is
reduced when we are stressed, distracted, or fatigued, so people are less accommodating, less forgiving, and more tempted by
alternatives when they are temporarily spent. We tend to be at our worst when we are tired and taxed. It’s good news that
feeling connected to family and friends bolsters self-control; acceptance by a loving partner enhances our abilities to behave in
ways that protect our relationships. He’re another beneft of self-control in close relationships: It shows that we care. We rarely
improve relationships by trying to change our partners – that just annoys them – but our eforts do pay of when we try to change
ourselves. Our partners are typically pleased when they realize that we are striving to behave better e.g. trying to communicate
more clearly and to manage confict more reasonably, and they’re more satisfed when we successfully exert some self-control.
Think of benefts to be gained when both partners do this.
5. What is mental contrasting and implementation intentions? How may they help in improving
self-control/self-regulation in a relationship (see lecture 7 notes)
LECTURE
Improving Self-Control
Mental contrasting
> Imagine a desired future state
> Refect on obstacles in the present
- Strong commitment
- Critical obstacle
Implementation Intentions
- If-then plans
- Translates intention to action
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