Summary made by Car da Silva van der Meer PSB3E-SP05 Interpersonal relations
Week 1
Book: Intimate Relationships (by Rowland S. Miller)
Chapter 1: The Building Blocks of Relationships
Humans are extremely social beings, and we need social relations for our well-being. It’s why we use
solitary confinement as a punishment in prisons. This book evaluates relationships on how important
they are, how they begin, operate, thrive and possibly burn out. It draws on psychology, sociology,
communication studies, family studies, and neuroscience. They first define: “What are intimate
relationships?” “Why do they matter?” And examine the fundamental building blocks of a
relationship.
The nature and importance of intimacy
The primary focus is on intimate relationships between adults
The nature of Intimacy
Intimate relationships differ from a more casual association in at least 7 different ways: 1) Knowledge,
2) Interdependence, 3), Caring, 4) Trust, 5) Responsiveness, 6) Mutuality, and 7) Commitment.
Knowledge —> how much we know of one another
Interdependence —> how much we need and influence each other
Caring —> how much we care for each other
Trust —> how much we expect to be treated fairly and honourably
Responsiveness —> how well we attend to each other’s needs
Mutuality —> recognize their connection and think of themselves as ‘us’ instead of ‘me’ and
‘he/him/them’ (Can be seen on ‘The inclusion of other in the self scale’)
Commitment —> expectation of partnership to continue indefinitely and invest time, effort and
resources to reach that goal.
The Need to Belong
There is a human need to belong in close relationships, and if we do not have those we suffer. Who
our partners are does not matter, as long as our need for closeness, affection and acceptance. When an
important relationship ends we may end up with someone different from our previous partner, but as
long as they satisfy those needs we will still be very happy with them.
When we’re in intimate relationships, we are generally happier, healthier, and live longer than
those who are single. Hand-holding reduces fear responses and pain is less potent if we look at a
picture of our partner. Wounds heal faster too. Insufficient intimacy leads to an array of health
problems such as weakened immune systems and higher mortality rates. Married people are less likely
to die of any of the 10 leading cancer-related deaths than unmarried people. Losing existing ties is
damaging too; the elderly tend to die shortly after being widowed. Our mental and physical health is
determined by the quality of our relationships, not the quantity. Shallow, superficial relationships may
cause psychopathology, and psychopathology may create shallow, superficial relationships.
Our need to belong may be evolutionary, as our ancestors survived better when living in
groups than when living in solitude.
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,Summary made by Car da Silva van der Meer PSB3E-SP05 Interpersonal relations
The Influence of Culture
Technology has changed the dating game. In the previous century women generally married at 21 and
men at 23, moving in only after marriage, having children and having a stay-at-home mother and a
father who worked full time. There are several things different how:
- Fewer people are getting married and more are divorcing. Only 49% of US adults are
currently married.
- People wait longer to marry (women 28, men 30).
- More cohabitation amongst non-married couples.
- Babies are born out of wedlock. In 2018, 40% of US babies had unmarried mothers.
- ½ of all marriages end in divorce, which is 2.5 times more than in the time of our
grandparents.
- Most preschool kids have working parents. In ‘65, 3/4th of US mothers stayed at home when
kids were too young for school, but now only ¼ of mothers and 7% of fathers do so.
These changes in culture are important as it shapes our expectations and defines patterns of what we
think to be normal. Cohabitation does not make it more likely that a subsequent marriage will be
successful, and may even increase the risk of later divorce. They tend to be less satisfied, trust less
(with increased infidelity), and have more physical aggression than married spouses. Cohabiting
couples become less likely to marry and more likely to break up as time passes.
Sources of Change
One influence is economics. Education and financial resources allow people to be more independent,
so (particularly) women are less likely to marry than they used to. Individualism has increased over
the years, leading us to be more materialistic and less concerned with others. The focus on our own
satisfaction causes us to want to sacrifice less in relationships, leading to more divorces, even if kids
are involved. Collectivist cultures have fewer divorces for this reason.
Technology also matters. IVF can allow women to carry babies independently from a man,
picking sperm in a sperm bank. Birth Control pills allow women to control their fertility, and the
morning afterlife can avoid unwanted pregnancies. The way we communicate is also different, due to
for example sexting. Technoference is the request interruption of interactions caused by their
technological defences (e.g. looking at your phone whilst having a conversation at the dinner table).
Phubbing is when one partner snubs another by focusing on their phone.
Lastly, the sex ratio. This is how many men there are in proportion to women. A high sex
ratio means there are more men than women. This stimulates traditional gender roles. A low sex ratio
means there are more women than men. This leads to more liberated, independent gender roles.
The Influence of Experience
Our attachment styles can predict how we will feel and behave in relationships. Secure attachment
styles lead to the most healthy relationship bonds (positive about self, positive about others, low AoI,
low AaA). Anxious-ambivalent/Preoccupied attachment styles lead to wanting to be close to others
but being reluctant to come close as they fear their partner doesn’t love them as much as they love
them (negative about self, positive about others, low AoI , high AaA). Fearful attachment style leads
to being uncomfortable being close in fear of being hurt (negative about self, negative about others,
High AoI, high AaA). Dismissing attachment style leads to feeling the need to be independent and
self-sufficient, not to depend on others or have others depend on them (positive about self, negative
about others, high AoI, low AaA).
There are 2 themes underlying these styles; their avoidance of intimacy (AoI) (high or low)
and their anxiety about abandonment (AaA) (high or low). These classes are very black and white,
they’re more of a spectrum but keep them in mind as guidelines. There used to be only 3 attachment
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,Summary made by Car da Silva van der Meer PSB3E-SP05 Interpersonal relations
styles; secure, anxious-ambivalent and avoidant.
Our experiences influence our future in what we
expect. Not only our childhood but any experience
can shift our attachment style (e.g. a previously
secure individual becoming fearful after a bad
breakup). Our attachment styles can lead to
self-sabotage of our relationships. If we want to
change our attachment styles, it is possible.
The Influence of Individual Differences
This involves sex differences, gender differences,
sexual orientation, personalities and self-esteem.
Sex Differences
Men and women are more similar than they are
different. Men's and women’s traits are all under a
normal curve, and all sex differences are only Cohen’s d=0.2 to d=0.5 apart, which are small and
medium effect sizes. A large sex difference (Cohen’s d=0.8 or higher) was not found. Keep in mind a
lot of studies are statistically significant in difference, not practically. There is more difference
between a group of men/women than there is between the average men and average women. There is
a strong overlap between opinion and behaviour; instead of saying ‘Men are more permissive than
women’ because general opinion is positive among men, 1/3rd of women are also permissive to casual
sex. It would be more accurate to look for permissive people instead of one of the two sexes.
Simplistic stereotypes say women need more affection and warmth in a relationship and men want
transaction; sex. This is inaccurate as both men and women want their intimate partner to provide
them with affection and warmth.
Gender differences
Gender differences are the social and psychological distinctions created by our cultures and
upbringing. Transgender individuals transitioned from one gender to another. Gender queer or gender
nonconforming individuals feel they fit in either box. Trans people may have difficulty finding love
and intimacy due to a lack of acceptance, and cishet people tend to have little interest. Gay and
lesbians have slightly more interest, and just under half of bi people would consider dating a trans
individual. However, when they do find someone they can have fulfilling loving relationships.
Cisgender people identify with the identity assigned to them at birth. The gender binary lies on a
spectrum.
Gender roles are taught. Male gender roles are stereotypically masculine and instrumental,
and female gender roles are stereotypically feminine and expressive. Some individuals have traits of
both; they are androgynous. About 15% of people are high in skills typically associated with the other
sex (cross typed) or low in both sets of skills (undifferentiated). In a study, people were either paired
with individuals with strong traditional gender roles or with androgynous people. Individuals with
traditional gender roles liked each other less than more androgynous people. Gender roles are
especially disadvantageous to men, due to losing the ability to express themselves fully. Gay
relationships are generally more fulfilling than heterosexual relationships due to having better
communication and fairer distribution of household chores.
Individuals with traditional feminine gender roles are also at a disadvantage as having
underdeveloped instrumental skills may lead to low self-esteem and less well-adjusted. Women with
traditional gender roles earn less than less traditional women.
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, Summary made by Car da Silva van der Meer PSB3E-SP05 Interpersonal relations
Personality
Of the Big Five, extraversion, agreeability and conscientiousness are important, influencing the
quality of our relationships. High negative affect/neuroticism may lead to difficulty in interpersonal
relationships.
Another trait influencing relationships is selfishness and humility.
Self-Esteem
Our self-esteem evaluates how we see ourselves in relation to others, based on a subjective social
gauge, a sociometer. Our self-esteem is created through our life experiences and thus is learned.
Having low self-esteem may lead to a self-fulfilling prophecy, and expecting the relationship to fall
apart may lead to the end of the relationship. New feedback from positive experiences may not
increase self-esteem due to self-sabotage. A devoted partner who notices this insecurity may increase
their expression of regard and affection to boost their partner’s self-esteem.
Sexual Orientation
This doesn’t make much of a difference. Sexual orientation is comprised of our identities, our sexual
attractions, and our actual sexual behaviours. This is not all black and white, about 15% of
individuals who judge themselves as heterosexual had sex with a member of the same sex that same
year. Sexual orientation is best imagined on a continuum. Lesbians, gays and bisexuals have the same
type of love and struggle in their relations as heterosexual individuals, but homosexual couples tend to
have more satisfying relationships than heterosexuals on average. They divide household chores more
fairly, communicate more openly and honestly, and respect and appreciate individual differences, so
they experience less conflict than heterosexual couples. Bisexual individuals usually have other sex
partners and feel less secure sharing their sexuality because they are often suspected - by both
same-sex and other-sex partners - of infidelity due to their sexuality. However, if bisexuals have a
supportive partner, they can have just as good of a relationship.
The Influence of Human Nature
Sexual selection is basically which species mate; it’s part of natural selection. Our need for intimacy is
likely evolutionary. Women are usually more strict and rigorous when selecting a male. This may be
due to parental investment; a man may have sex with 100 women and father a 100 children, and a
woman may have sex with 100 men but still only birth one child. A man only needs to ejaculate, and
thus has a small parental investment, and women have to carry the baby for 9 months, a large parental
investment. Men have parental uncertainty, where he may be unsure if he’s truly the father of the
child. This may lead men to be overly focused on possible infidelity in their partner. Men and women
also look for different attributes in their brief flings vs their long-term partners. Men look for sexually
available and ‘easy’ women for flings, but for long-term relations, they seek more chaste women, as
having a promiscuous spouse may be a disadvantage. Women look for masculine men for short-term
relations but seek more financial perspectives and status for long-term relationships. Evolutionary,
having many partners may have been advantageous, but now we have both technologies to control
fertility and deadly STIs like HIV.
Critics of the evolutionary perspective say it underestimates the role of culture in sexual
behaviour. And perhaps men's and women’s preferences in attributes may be less due to human nature
and more due to culturally women having less control over financial resources.
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