MGG-2602 Marriage guidance
THEME ONE Understanding couples
THE TRIPOD OF COUPLE RELATIONSHIPS
Ruth Keech suggests that intimate relationships consists of three factors that form a tripod on which the
relationship rests:
passionate attraction
mutual expectations
personal intentions
PASSIONATE ATTRACTION
Experiences intensely pleasurable sensations when thinking about or being with the new partner.
Symptoms:
Blushing, trembling, stammering and breathlessness are some of the common physical symptoms.
Sexual desire seems to run high and there are apparently shared beliefs and attitudes.
Referred to as infatuation – a passing love.
It is not typically a realistic or accurate appraisal of the relationship.
A normal phase in the process of relationships.
Negatives or flaws may be intellectually recognised, but are disregarded or rationalised.
Infatuation in some instances leads to a lasting relationship, but mostly fades away.
Relationships based on infatuation alone are therefore usually fail.
Love
Love involves physical attraction, but it is far deeper.
Love encompasses all three legs of the tripod: physical attraction, mutual expectations and personal intentions.
People rely mostly on their life experiences to guide them to their own unique ways of demonstrating love.
Love is active concern for the life and growth of the person we love. This definition suggests that love is a deep,
unselfish, caring that involves a deep respect for the one who is loved.
HAUCK'S BASIC PRINCIPLES ABOUT LOVE
Actions speak louder • It is not the person you love, but rather what he or she does for you.
than verbal promises of • In a relationship, if your partner fulfils your needs, you are likely to feel positively
love and devotion towards him or her.
• With time, people change and so do their needs.
• Couples need to consciously review one another's needs and work towards
helping one another to have their needs fulfilled.
• This becomes complicated because often people confuse their wants with their
needs.
Love requires a reciprocal • It is difficult to ensure that partners invest equally in relationships. For example,
investment from both not every person has the same capacity for showing affection.
parties • The goal should be for each person to make an investment in the relationship
that he or she is capable of making and which fulfils the partner's need.
• Both should be contribute positive actions and/or make some sacrifices.
• Their actions need not be the same, their efforts should be reciprocal and
reasonably equitable.
• People need to be in touch with what their individual needs are, and to identify
whether their partners have the capacity to fulfil these needs.
Love needs management • The couple have to develop explicit rules to ensure that the relationship remains
mutually satisfying.
• These rules are often linked to values such as:
amount of independence
how much money should be spent or saved
kinds of leisure-time activities
the nature of their communication
Adapted from: A. Petty, (2006). Study Guide for MGG2601, Marriage Guidance, University of South Africa, Pretoria
, frequency of contact with the extended family
religion
how responsibilities should be allocated
• Responsibilities may be decided by the following principles:
who is talented enough to do the task;
traditional prescriptions
who has the time.
• Some couples may decide to take turns
• Where there is an imbalance of power, one may just be told by the other to do it.
• The members need to work out ways to resolve conflicts, make mutually
satisfying decisions, and arrange for incentives (such as holidays).
The goal is to be just This suggests that each should take stock of the partner’s strengths and weaknesses
reasonably content and weigh these up to see if they can be tolerated without resentment.
MUTUAL EXPECTATIONS
Passionate attraction creates mutual expectations. Some of these expectations may be unrealistic, and as a result
cause conflict within the relationship.
For a relationship to survive, couples have to explicitly state what they want and need. If they do not do this, their
relationship will not progress beyond the passionate attraction stage.
Myths:
• A partner should demonstrate sympathy to the person whenever he or she is upset.
• A partner should always be willing to express his or her innermost thoughts and feelings at all times.
• A partner should be loyal by automatically siding with the person when he or she has been in an argument
with others.
• A partner should always want do things with the person, devoting time and attention to the relationship.
• A partner should choose the person above all others at all times.
• A partner should allow the person to continue to take part in all the activities that he or she was involved in
before the relationship began.
Often couples begin their relationships with sets of expectations that they introjected from their own families of
origin, society and the media. When expectations are introjected, they tend to be unrealistic and we refer to
them as relationship myths. These frequently generate tension in relationships.
Common myths:
If we love each other we should be happy at all times. The reality is that personal happiness is created by
the individual. Love and attraction are not always sufficient to overcome difficulties in relationships.
Unresolved issues quickly erode love.
We should always be completely honest with each other, regardless of the impact on our partners. The
reality is that it is essential to ensure that the parties involved feel respected at all times. Subtlety and
tact are requirement. Good does not always come from revealing mistakes made in the past.
We should want to be together all the time and be unselfish with our time. The reality is that people who
do everything together are likely to become bored. No one can fulfil all of a partner's needs. It is usually
necessary for each partner to pursue some interests on his or her own and achieve personal happiness as
an individual.
We should agree on every issue in order to support each other. It is not the disagreements that are the
real problem, but rather the manner in which the couple deal with the disagreements.
If we have a problem we must decide who is to blame. It is more productive to analyse what each person's
interests are behind the position that they take and then work towards developing mutually satisfying
solutions.
We know what the other is thinking, so we do not need to communicate. The reality is we can never
assume that we know how people think or what they need. The only way we can find out about them is
for us to create safe relationships where they feel free to talk openly.
Adapted from: A. Petty, (2006). Study Guide for MGG2601, Marriage Guidance, University of South Africa, Pretoria
, Good relationships just happen and do not need to be worked on or re-evaluated. The reality is that
relationships require more hard work and dedication than any other institution. Finding solutions for
mutual gain requires patience, a willingness to compromise and dedication.
If we create joint activities we will be close forever. The reality is that relationships require more than
shared activities. Couples benefit from operating at a deeper level, such as sharing their aspirations with
each other, clarifying their values on important issues, providing each other with opportunities for
personal growth and negotiating conflict successfully.
We do not need friends or family as long as we have each other. The support from the wider community
helps to create a safety net that strengthens the couple as they cope with the life crises.
Expectations about roles and responsibilities
Traditionally:
• cultures defined and allocated non-negotiable rules and duties to couples, according to gender.
• The duties of the husband: provide for his family.
• Made decisions and took responsibility for them.
• Expected that his sexual needs and pleasures would be satisfied by his wife
• The wife was the home-maker and the nurturer of the children.
• The relationship between the husband and children was based on authority and discipline.
Today:
• more freedom and roles are defined according to personal choice.
• Women are more active in the open labour market and as a result expect more assistance from their
partners in the home.
• Fathers and children enjoy a more open and expressive relationship.
• Allows the couple to give and accept affection in an unconditional way, to accept the full range of feelings
toward each other, to appreciate common interest and differences, to affirm each other's uniqueness,
and to see each other as having equal status in the relationship.
Individuals embarking on a long-term relationship should be emotionally mature enough to understand what they
want and need in a relationship and should negotiate these needs constantly.
Expectations about life events
When partners commit to one another, they fail to discuss their hopes and dreams early in their relationship and
end up fighting about these later.
Some may expect their life together will unfold according to sequential stages of the family life cycle. They are
inadequately prepared for life's surprise.
People's expectations may also not match up to reality. As a result, they are inadequately prepared for the
problems that lie ahead.
Once a couple systematise their relationship, their expectations of one another not only seem to increase, but
also to clash. Romantic myths, different family lifestyles, cultural differences, different values and inadequate
initial knowledge of one another make it very difficult for partners to agree on all issues.
PERSONAL INTENTIONS
The individual's decisions, both deliberate and unconscious, about how he or she should behave as a loving
partner.
What is important in happy relationships are positive intentions.
Most partners have good intentions but, all too often, the promises are not fulfilled:
1. People can seldom anticipate how they will react in certain situations under specific pressures.
2. What one partner sees as a deed of love is not often seen as such by the partner.
It is necessary for the survival of relationships for partners to stop and consider the ways in which their partners
would like them to show love.
Adapted from: A. Petty, (2006). Study Guide for MGG2601, Marriage Guidance, University of South Africa, Pretoria
, INDIVIDUAL DIFFERENCES AND THEIR IMPACT ON THE COUPLE RELATIONSHIP
GENDER DIFFERENCES
Social expectations are responsible for some of the more commonly assumed differences.
Men and women are human and share the same basic human needs, but they tend to differ in the ways they
attempt to meet their basic needs.
Gender stereotyping often promotes unnecessary conflict within relationships.
When working with couples, counsellors need to consider gender differences without falling into the trap of
stereotyping people.
Gender differences fall into three broad categories:
Physiological • The effect that the sex hormones, oestrogen and testosterone, and the difference in male
differences and female brain functioning have on people s behaviour.
• Conflictual situations – males and females react in different ways.
Females self-soothe
males become more aroused and hold on to their distressing thoughts.
• Negative relationships – men are more likely to withdraw and women tend to become
more demanding and complaining.
• The verbal ability of women is the result of their left brain functioning and higher levels of
oestrogen.
• Men are considered to be more aggressive because of right brain dominance and the
presence of testosterone.
• People tend to expect men to perform better in more things than women.
• Females perform better in intelligence tests measuring verbal ability, tests that demand an
understanding of complex language, creative writing, analogies, fluency and spelling.
• Males have better spatial and quantitative abilities.
• Men demonstrate more aggression than women.
• Women in most countries outlive men.
Differences in • Women do much more work starting and maintaining quality interactions.
communication • Women have conversational patterns in which they ask more questions than men, use a
styles and questioning tone in their statements requesting confirmation from the listener, and tend to
patterns of use tag questions that occur at the ends of sentences and encourage the listener to
emotional respond.
expression • Women begin conversations with questions as an attempt to capture the listener’s
attention.
• Women use more qualifiers and intensifiers. These provide the listener with clues about the
kind of reaction that is expected.
• Men are more prone to interrupt conversations and are more competitive.
• Women are more skilled at interpreting nonverbal behaviour. They are more attentive, use
more nonverbal communications to demonstrate that they are listening, use gesticulations
to emphasise what they say, and so on.
• Men’s conversations are characterised by fewer words and are far less revealing about their
thoughts and feelings.
• Women’s conversations are more emotive.
Perceptions of Certain behaviours are often socially prescribed for men and women.
rules/roles for Men are expected to be strong, independent, successful, courageous, aggressive and logical
the Women more gentle, dependent upon men for support and protection, nurturing,
relationship. emotional, and submissive.
These are stereotypes, and stereotypes are misleading and reduce each individual's
capacity for individualisation and free expression.
Traditional sex roles continue to influence people's behaviour and expectations in
relationships.
Karpel has identified four main reasons for the differences in sex role expectations:
socialisation;
legal and economic status and power;
childbirth and parenting;
sexuality.
These four factors seem to be responsible for marginalising women.
Adapted from: A. Petty, (2006). Study Guide for MGG2601, Marriage Guidance, University of South Africa, Pretoria
